Accepting “Good Enough” Parenting Removes Shackles of Guilt

 by Cari

 

My work as a spiritual counselor in hospice obviously brings me into contact with people at the end of life. In my hospice, most are around the age of 90, some past the century mark. Most are women; most are mothers. Women at this tender age and time of life often obsess about their parenting, expressing regrets for not doing enough, not being enough, not giving enough for their children, and this often creates an obstacle to their moving beyond this life peacefully.

 

One 90-something-year-old women shared her spiritual narrative which included her husband dying when her child was an infant. She described how she entrusted the child to her stepmother to assist in raising him while she pursued an education and became a school teacher to be able to support her child, ultimately sending him to fine schools and opening many doors for him to enjoy a comfortable and fulfilling life.  Now at the end of her life, she feels like she is drowning in the self-imposed cup of guilt in which many of us imbibe. We could have done better, we say to ourselves. 

 

Projecting my own guilt and angst about errors committed in single parenting, I shared with this woman Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough” parent.  Jungian analyst, James Hollis, talks about this in at least one of his many books, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up.  The “good enough” mother does the best she can with what she has at the time. According to Winnicott, a mother’s failure to adapt to every need of the child helps the child adapt to external realities. This sounds suspiciously like the individuation process which we all go through, consciously or not. And, perhaps what we left out or didn’t do perfectly in our parenting is fodder for the spiritual journeys of our children. Let’s also be mindful of the final result of our parenting. Both my patient’s son and my own son are highly successful adults. Maybe we need to focus more on what we did that was good enough to get them there.